June 2011
58 posts
When you have a friend who is 924781x prettier...
When you have a friend who is 924781x prettier than you
cannibal-holocaust:
and every guy is in love with her, you just sit there like;
Then she calls her self ugly;
IF YOU’RE UGLY. WTF AM I?
PLEASE SEND IN SOMETHING THAT’LL MAKE ANYONE LAUGH!!! CLICK THE PENCIL AT THE TOP IN A GRAY CIRCLE OR CLICK HERE TO SEND YOUR JOKES IN!!!
Not Paying Attention?
Student: Drawing in notebook and not paying attention
Teacher: Calls on student and asks question
Student: Answers correctly
Teacher: Pissed off
Age progression and Halloween
Age 4: “Twick o’ Tweat!” Holds up pumpkin basket
Age 10: “Trick or Treat!” Holds up paper bag
Age 16: “Gimme the candy or pay the price!” Tosses egg up and down
Where's the P?!?!
Little Kid: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Okay. But first recite the alphabet.
Little Kid: O-o-okay!! ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ!!!!!!
Teacher: WHERE DID THE P GO?
Little Kid: Down my pants!!
Smart People
Appraisal letter Dear Manager (HR), Vivek, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Vivek works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Vivek never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Vivek takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks....
MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
****
WHILE IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
****
QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
****
Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr.. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
****
CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film.I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
****
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
#5 idiot in 2009
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Wrong Number!
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
Little Girl: Hello?
Dad: Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?
Little Girl: No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
Brief Pause
Dad: But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.
Little Girl: Oh yes I do, he comes when you are not home and Mommy told me to call him Uncle Paul and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy. Right now.
Brief Pause.
Dad: Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.
Little Girl: Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
Little Girl: I did it, Daddy.
Dad: And what happened, honey?
Little Girl: Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!
Dad: Oh my God!!! What about the Uncle Paul?
Little Girl: He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and dived into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean the pool. He hit the bottom of the pool with a big splat... and I think he's dead.
*****Long Pause*****
...
*****Longer Pause*****
...
*****Even Longer Pause*****
...
Dad: Swimming pool? ..........Is this 486-5731?
Little Girl: No, I think you have the wrong number...
SIX OR SEVEN?!
Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!
Teacher: Where do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I have already one rabbit at home..
“Texting + Facebook= Textbook. So I’m studying, right?”
$$$
Teenage Girl: Mom, I love you...
Mom: I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!!!
Wedding Day
Little girl in church: Why is the bride dressed in white?
Mommy: White is the color of joy, and today is most joyful day of her life.
Little girl: Then why is the groom wearing black?
We get digital
1800s- Where do you live? I will write you a letter. 1900s- What is your phone number? I will give you a call. 2000- What is you email? I will message you. 2010- Do you have a Facebook? I will add you.
Aging Problems
(8 years old)
Mom: Go to bed.
Kid: No!
Mom: Why not?
Kid: I am not sleepy...5 more minutes?
(Couple years later)
Mom: Get up.
Kid: No!
Mom: Why?
Kid: I am tired. 5 more minutes!
Hearing Problems
Ingrid: Grampa, pass the milk.
(Silence)
Ingrid: Grampa, pass the milk!
(Silence)
Ingrid: (Shakes the table) Grampa, PASS THE MILK!
Grampa: EARTHQUAKE!! (gets up & runs)
Ingrid: GRAMPA THATS NOT OUR CAR!
M&Ms
A: I LOVE Eminem!
B: I like skittles better...
A: No, the rapper, idiot...
B: You're the idiot, what's so good about M&M wrappers?!
Halloween
Age 4: Twick o’ Tweat Holds Up Pumpkin Basket
Age 10: Trick or Treat Holds Up PaperBag
Age 16: Give Me The Candy Or Pay The Price Tosses Egg Up And Down
Funny World
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?
Why do you still call it a building when its already built?
If you aren’t suppose to drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
Why do you call them apartments when they are really together?
Funny world.
Consequences of losing a pen
Lost your pen=no pen No pen=no notes No notes=no study No study=Fail Fail=no diploma No diploma=no work no work=no money no money=no food no food=you get skinny you get skinny=then you get ugly Ugly=no love no love=no marriage no marriage=no children no children= alone alone=depression depression=sickness sickness=death
But you can change your fate!!!
No pen=borrow from a friend >:)
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
– Douglas Adams
G-O-O-O-A-A-A-A-L-L-L-L!!!
Running as fast as my small legs could carry me, I concentrated on the black-and-white object spinning ahead, and realized that this was my chance. This was my dream come true. I had a jump on the others, and it was ll up the me! I looked behind me and saw the yellow jerseys and green shorts of my teammates, the National Auto Glass Dinosaurs. They looked like a swarm of bees, all headed toward...
“You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive...”
“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”
“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there...”
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said...”
“If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys...”
“Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you...”
“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a...”
